This year, alongside carrying my two enormous breasts around, I have also had to feed, clothe and house myself. In order to do this, I’ve gotten a job. While employment provides me with something to do during my waking hours and basic health care benefits that I need, it also sucks out any potential to work towards anything else in my life. Any hobbies I’ve had or wanted to try have gone out the window. I am annoyed by having to work out in my spare time and doing anything artistic feels so outlandish it’s almost funny. What spare time, honey?
So you, also, have succumbed to capitalism’s firm grip on society and need to work 40 waking hours a week to feed, clothe and house yourself? It’s okay. You do not need to panic because you will be fine. You just need to learn how to balance it all. You know, working, and having a job and being alive and buying stuff to help with working and living that will effectively help you buy more stuff to go with that stuff you just bought. Again, you don’t have to worry. With my guidance, you can learn to balance having a job and having a job. It’s not easy or worth it but it’s definitely required of you.
Firstly, push all of your hobbies to the side. Unless they’re hobbies that will help you get promoted at work or allow you to make money ON the side. A much needed distraction from work that also pays the bills, like work does? Priceless.
Second, invest in self care. And health care. Your work’s drug plan covers a certain amount of your premiums so you’re good to go there, but make sure you are seeking therapy and alternative forms of healthcare to deal with all the colds you’ve been catching by showing up to work via public transit every day.
Third, invest in a brand new wardrobe for work. You can try to make it interchangeable with your personal wardrobe and style but it has to be more expensive and more time consuming to clean. Like having to pick up and drop off blazers to the dry cleaners on weekends will make you grateful that you aren’t at work but will ensure that you are still able to spend your hard earned work money on cleaning your work uniform. Everybody wins.
You can go on vacation but be sure to check in with work regularly so you know everyone isn’t fucking shit up while you’re gone. Don’t be surprised when people are surprised when you’ve responded even though your out of office message has been on since Friday at 4:59pm.
Take up a very expensive workout hobby like spin class to spend more of your money. Laugh at how naive you were to be shocked by the 28$ each class costs but then try to justify the price with the fact that they provide you with shoes and a towel and free ear plugs. You just have to show up, really, and accept the hot instructors yelling at you, trying to be heard through the EDM playlists on their little laptops.
Only ever talk about work to your friends who you see maybe on weekends, maybe on Facetime when they call you on weekends. Weeknights are for calling your parents and responding to more work emails you didn’t get to during the day. If all you do is work, all you ever want to talk about is work, right? Forget that your friends have partners and lives and work of their own until the very last minute when you ask: “So what’s new with you? How’s work?”